Pretty Woman

One of the things that annoys me is how people kept telling me during training school that I would be living in the village. As such, they told me not to bring any nice clothes or shoes, because most likely I would be wearing tshirts and chitenjes and flip flops (or my three strapped Birks) every day. Well, I've been in Malawi almost three months now, and I've gone to countless formal functions, including two weddings. The embarrassing thing is that people will be wearing suits and nice dresses to the weddings, and I'll walk in looking pretty much like garbage, in my tshirt, large skirt and flip flops. The funny thing is that yesterday, I went to a friend's wedding, looking like rubbish, as expected. But, the wedding reception was in this large building with no fan or ventilation system, so everyone was sweating like hogs. So it didn't even matter how nicely people were dressed because with sweat pouring down their faces, they pretty much looked unsightly, especially in pictures. Except for the bride. She radiated. But I looked like I was radioactive, with all that sweat running down my face. I was definitely not a pretty woman. Aiy Carumba!

Episode 14

why aren't you married!

If there is a question that can inflict immeasurable pain upon its recipient, it has to be the dreaded question, "why aren't you married yet?" This question holds more power than imaginable, especially at weddings, where many single people tend to hide from overbearing married adults who wish to pry into their lives. Well, I just realised that here in Malawi, you don't have to hide from married adults, because just about anyone will ask you why you aren't married, from the oldest to the youngest. At my friend's wedding, I had numerous guys asking me why I wasn't married at the ripe old age of 22. Then they asked me if I could get married, and that I should get started as soon as possible. Indignant as I was, I replied that I could marry whomever, whenever I pleased. I think we all know that isn't true, but it was the only way I could save my wounded pride. Gosh. Can't a girl just dance and throw money around in peace!?

Episode 13

supa dupa fly!

Over the weekend, I went to a coworker/friend's wedding, and it was seriously the most fun I've ever had. Malawians sure know how to groove, from the smallest kids to the oldest grandparents. Not only is the dancing hilariously fun, there is a Malawian custom where if you want to dance, you gotta throw money into the air. It sort of reminds me of the Filipino custom of pinning money onto the bride/groom. Here, the MC calls out different groups of people, they make their way to the dance floor, start dancing, and throw cash up into the air as they dance. It is the funniest sight to see, and I'm guessing most guests go home flat broke. To taste the cake, you gotta give some cash. To make a speech, yup, you gotta give some cash. It's such a great custom, and it's so much fun, dancing like crazies and throwing money into the air, like you're a richie (even though you're probably throwing the equivalent of $.05 bills). It's the best thing ever. I'm gonna have this custom at my wedding. After all, I'm an honourary Malawian :)

Episode 12

When I went in for my interview for this job last April, one of the questions I was asked was "will you be able to handle the spiders and snakes and rats that are around?" To which I nonchalently replied "yeah, they don't bother me that much." To be truthful, there is nothing that freaks me out more than a snake. The sight of them slithering on the floor makes me shudder. To touch one would be horrific. To that extent, I also cannot stand the sight of worms. I used to tip toe down my driveway on rainy days to make sure my shoes did not touch the worms. My shoes!
Anyhoo, a couple nights ago, I saw the biggest worm ever known to man (or at least, me!) slithering around on my bedroom floor. For tiny worms, I would normally just sweep them outside. But the sight of this worm slithering around made me want to hurl. So I grabbed both my RAID can and my Insect repellent can and totally obliterated the worm with a mixture of chemicals. After a couple minutes of writhing in what seemed like pain, the worm stopped moving, curled into a ball, at which point I calmly swept it outside.
The other thing that makes me frigid is anything slimy. Last night, as I was closing my front door, I saw two big googly eyes staring at me from the top of my door. I honestly thought it was a red fish, and was quite surprised (cause how could it even get up there?) When I opened the door (cause I thought I was going to crush the fish), the FROG! jumped out at me. I must have shrieked pretty loudly, because my guard ran into my house with his machete, yelling "madam! madam!" haha. He must think I'm the biggest wimp ever because the only time I ask him for help is for catching massive spiders :)

Episode 11

Litterers will be prosecuted

The funniest sign I ever saw in Malawi was an advertisement from the government saying "please keep our streets clean". This is hilarious, especially for a country where there is no waste disposal system so everyone just burns their garbage. (I've been embarrassed many times by the things I've had to burn...even resorting to burning my garbage at 5:30am so no one will see my trash). Another thing that cracks me up is that people will just throw their waste on the streets. When mangos first came into season, I would constantly see mango seeds and skin littered all over the roads. I thought it was unfortunate, until I bought my first mango off the street and kept chucking the skin, and then eventually the pit, out the car window. Aiy!

Episode 10

Shane & Shane

It is so rare that I hear English music playing in stores, and I almost never hear Christian music outside of church. But today while I was at the bank, I heard Shane & Shane's "The Answer" blasting on the speakers. I was in total shock for the first 5 seconds, and then I started singing along. People were staring at me, but I wasn't sure if they were staring because I'm a mzungu or because my singing was busting their ear drums. Either way, it was the most enjoyable wait in line I've ever had at the bank.